How to Think Like a (bad) CIO

1. Go to a magazine, blog, or website that purports to summarize IT information for executives. Alternatively, go to an airport men’s room.

2. Look at all the pictures, captions, and words in ads printed in large fonts. If in the airport men’s room, take note of whatever is advertised at eye level above the urinals.

3. Become obsessed with leveraging next-generation synergies with the emerging technology described, above.

4. Take the marketing to the next level. One way to do that is the expansion of benefits ad infinitum: if one of those devices/software platforms is good for a company, then one per user ought to be awesome. For example, if one firewall will protect a company, then one firewall per user will provide awesome protection. Another example: if one load-balanced virtual server cluster is good for a company, then getting every user his or her own load-balanced virtual server cluster will definitely deliver those leveraged next-generations synergies.

5. Present the next-level solution to your IT team and express confidence that they can get the implementation done right.

If you can do this and you are an IT professional, you will be ahead of the curve when the orders come down from above, and you’ll be ready to roll with the project.

PROTIP: having budget numbers ready to go on the outlandish ideas is a great way to get the project canceled. Don’t present the budget numbers with a negative attitude. Instead, present a can-do “we can raise the money!” attitude about the massive costs, wait a week or two, and it’ll be quietly moved to the back burner in the next big emergency.

PROTIP: If the big budget doesn’t scare the top brass, then celebrate! Your company is awash in cash and you will get loads of experience on some sweet new equipment. Don’t worry about the waste. Seriously, if you can get it all to work, you’ll have some of the funnest days at your job, ever. If not, well, keep up appearances and it’ll still probably get moved to that back burner in the next big emergency.

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